Ultimate Grand Supreme

Friends I have a confession- last night I watched Toddlers & Tiaras. The most acurate description I can find is like watching a wreck on TV- you don't really want to but you just can't turn away. Seeing as I've never been to a child paegant (what with there being no petite ones) I find this world quite fascinating. When I'm home my mother and I have taken to yelling out "Maaaaahy NiNi," a catch phrase from one of the "pros" at what may or may not be appropriate times. The kids are pretty cute although they don't look much like kids by the end of it all. Mostly they look sort of like dolls and since dolls- you know those creepy ones whose eyes follow you- freak me out, I am sort of terrified by this part of the show. The contestants have beauty (where they are judged on "facial beauty"), sometimes a talent portion and the perinneal favorite Wow Wear! Apparently Wow Wear is when the kid can wear whatever they (or their coach) want them to wear. This can range from anything to themed days to 80s wear to being a celebrity to being Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." Yes, you read that right. Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman," as when she was a prostitute. Now I love that movie and I appreciate Julia and her crazy hair but that isn't something to be parading your 3 year old as. Apparently this pageant mom is now in hiding. Wellllll duh. Most people won't take to kindly to that. The sad thing is she won Ultimate Grand Supreme. Yes, queen is just not good enough so you want a supreme title where the crowns are roughly the size of a sidetable. I'm concerned about these children having back problems.

Yes People, it has.

The kids, cute though they may be with the exception of a few who their mothers call brats, are not the real stars of the show. No no. The real stars are the moms. Every once in a while there will be a nice well-adjusted mother who just wants her kid to have fun but that makes for rather boring TV. The heads that be over at TLC have hand-picked the most ridiculous mothers they could find. There are 3 basic types...

1. The former beauty queen- This type typically wants her daughter to follow in her footsteps despite the fact that their child may be the most wonderful soccer player ever. This mom is often seen at the side of the stage wearing a crown herself and doing exactly the same moves as her child. Please see Amy Poehler in "Mean Girls" for a reference.

2. The cray-cray one- One mom last night described herself as the "insane pageant mom." Yeah, not comforting. This is the mom who will say absolutely bizarro things, giggle incessantly, freak out when their child does not "pull for a higher title" and overall just give off that "we're going to have to put you on 'Hoarders' for hoarding all of your child's crowns" vibe.

3. The uber- competitive one- This is the mom who says she will "do anything to win." This includes but is not limited to mortaging the house. She will go find the pageant director when something is just the tiniest bit off or the music is wrong and she will storm off so don't get in her face.

Most of these women I'm sure have been edited to fit the story that TLC is selling but doggone if the editors aren't fantastic at it. As soon as the mom says little Miracle just loves pageants they cut to Miracle talking about how much she hates it. Check and mate TLC. They also choose to show the pageant moms in the most unflattering angles (playing up that whole living through your child things) and those lovely moments where the mom has a little touch of crazy around the eyes.

As entertaining as the editing may be, I just don't get it. I've had friends who've done Miss America before and I see how dedicated they are but the crux of it is that they love it and would also love the scholarship money. But the littles? I just don't understand it. Apparently there are something called "nautral" pageants but these are obviously not the best TV makers so they aren't featured. I mean winning and taking any money from it for a college fund sounds great but not when you spend thousands on one pageant- the dresses, the spray tanning (reason #716 why I could never win), the makeup, the flippers (dentures for you 5 year old! Sorry but I thought the point of losing your 2 front teeth was to show everyone), the glitz photos. If someone can explain this financial plan please help me because me and most of the dads they show just don't get it.

As terrifying as Toddlers & Tiaras is, there is a new show called "Dance Moms" that highlights a uber-competitive dance company where the teacher each week makes a pyramid of importance and the moms stand there horrified. This lady seriously makes me want to cry and hide in a corner and she isnt even my dance teacher. Did I miss out on entire culture in my childhood? I thought my snazzy gymnastics leotard I wore for our little performances (for our parents and unwilling brothers) were cool and felt like such a star. I also thought I wanted to be a mermaid at this point so there's that. So if you'll excuse me I'm going to go prance around in my own crown...