How am I a grown up?

Ahh grad school. We are successfully through half of our first semester and still we are all here. I would be lying if I said that we haven’t mostly all had a “What the heck am I doing with my life” moment. Not that what we’re learning is uninteresting- more that it is just so daggum much to learn in not a whole lot of time. Right now we are sort of walking anatomy zombies- seriously we walk around and talk about anatomy, constantly asking what inserts where and what muscle does what. We’re kind of obnoxious right now but the good news? We mostly just see each other so we aren’t exactly annoying the general population. Somehow we are slowly but surely making our way through anatomy, even if we do sort of look weird walking around touching each other and saying “Oh! There’s the greater trochanter.”

What’s really sad is that people are always asking how much I love living in Charleston and how wonderful it is and if I’ve been to this place or that. The problem? Ummm I don’t really have a life outside of class and my classmates. All of those delicious restaurants? I might have driven past them. Fabulous stores? Looked in the windows and walked right past because I’m in grad school y’all and Publix is having a sale on diet coke! More embarrassing? I get excited about specials at the grocery stores and I will print coupons thank you very much.

When a friend on mine got married here a few weeks ago (which by the way was probably my favorite wedding ever as evidenced by the ridiculous number of pictures I took of the decorations and was just so filled with love), I was so excited to see everyone but sort of embarrassed that I really couldn’t show anyone around or tell them places to go, mostly because I had not ventured anywhere but my apartment, the Chick-fil-a and class. I hated that I couldn’t hang out with everyone from the wedding late that night or on the beach but anatomy was calling – as it always is. Its gotten better over the past few weeks and I can actually say that I have now been to more places but that mostly happened over July 4^th when everyone is in town.

I definitely went through a time where I really felt like I had no life- I existed in class, studying, and working out in the gym (where generally I was reading anatomy notes). My life was (and still is) anatomy- I literally would wake up the morning of a test thinking of muscles and nerve innervations and have actually fallen asleep with my beloved Netter cards. I don’t think you can ever really prepare for the emotional upheaval of graduating and moving onto real life- whether a job or graduate school. Everything I learn now is completely valuable to my profession and I truly have to learn it. Yes I will be expected to know that loss of the common peroneal nerve will lead to foot drop an I should be able to rattle that off. Even having friends go through this last year didn’t prepare me. You really can’t know what its like and what a life shift it is until you go through it yourself. Sure, you think it can’t be that bad and that yes you’re ready to be a grown up. But then your bike gets stolen, you can’t figure out how to unclog the drain and it might flood the kitchen, and dear lord you have so much to learn in a week! So you call your mom and cry and she tells that you that yes it will be ok, even if it sucks right now, and to just call the maintenance guy already. You learn to rely on yourself but also ask for help. I think there’s a reason why graduate class are generally very close- there’s only 42 of us and already we are all close, mostly because we see each other everyday and we are all going through the same thing. We rely on each other, cry and complain to each other, laugh and joke together just to relieve the stress, and yes we palpate each other for surface anatomy. Here’s a tip- you get really close when you have to feel each other’s ischial tuberosities.

So basically, all I do right now is school and study (yes even more than I did at Furman) but it is all actually very interesting to me. Even if I have moments, of not liking it all and wondering why the heck I decided to go straight to grad school, overall I really do love it and love being here in Charleston- even if I don’t get to go out and experience it that frequently, when I do I adore it. So right now my life is school but that’s ok because of the people I have around me and what I get to experience everyday is pretty good most days. So if I don’t answer my phone, its ok because I’m probably off somewhere studying or maybe drawing the nerve innervations all over myself and putting up pictures of the brachial plexus to decorate my apartment.

Today was a fairytale...

I love weddings. Love em- sometimes inexplicably. I love watching too people in love, surrounded by family and friends, commit to each other for the rest of their lives. I love watching the groom's face right when the bride walks in and the way her father will beam. I love the air of excitement, celebration, and love. I love the ridiculous wedding guests, dancing, the food, an always delicious cake, and taking lots and lots of pictures. I've loved weddings since I was 3 and in my very first wedding- my cousin Lynn's. Ok, so at the time I did not love the 15 lb. garland on my tiny head, but I loved being there with everyone, dancing around the perimeter of the dance floor (according to my mom) and getting a flower girl gift basket upon arrival (my most distinct memory). Now lest you think I am like that girl in 27 Dresses who is utterly obsessed and has been in, natch, 27 weddings, its not just the actual wedding that I love. No, I love weddings for the way they bring everyone and their crazy family together and the sheer joy in celebrating love with one another. I love the way they become sort of mini reunions as family and friends celebrate together and of course do the electric slide.

Maybe weddings are on my mind because a few weeks ago I went to Orlando for a friend of mine's wedding. It could not have been more beautiful and most importantly, more Mandy and David. I love the way weddings depict the couple's personalities and this wedding fit them to a tee. So elegant, so sweet, so simple, so filled with laughter and love. I was in love with it. Everything was so perfect- the sweet simplicity of the bridesmaids, the colors, the reception at the yacht club, the first dance, the beautiful cake. But more importantly it was so perfect because it was so filled with love. If you know Mandy and David, then you know what I'm talking about- the entire room was filled with their love for each other and our love for each of them.

It was so incredible to be reunited with so many of my college friends and to celebrate such a wonderful occasion together. I cannot explain my sheer joy at seeing my sweet big, Allison, in the airport and embracing her for the first time in far too long.

It was so wonderful to catch up with old friends and dance ridiculously;

to be filled with excitement for the weddings to come this summer. Despite the fact that the weekend had some interesting mishaps (one bed for 4 girls? I don't think so Skippy!; or driving everywhere in a really sketchy cab with Pedro), those were all forgotten that beautiful Saturday night in Orlando.

Weddings remind me how truly blessed we are to be surrounded by love- whether its a significant other, family, friends- we are all truly lucky to love. I was reminded of this even more when the Tri Delts surrounded Mandy and sang "By My Side." It always reminds me that love should encircle us, envelope us, protect us, surround us. Nothing is so sweet as singing to the bride with dear friends that "there is a love here, that we can't deny."

Hearing the lovely toasts made me so excited to prepare a toast for my dearest friend Virginia when she gets married- thinking back on our friendship made me tear up in sheer gratitude for her and the love that she has in her life. Weddings are a beautiful reminder of the love we are capable of having for others and is such a beautiful representation of that love. So yes, I love weddings. I love everything about them but mostly I love love and the people who love me and who I love. So to all of you out there who I love, happy wedding season and happy loving!

Out of the bubble and into the (sort of) real world

Ahh Graduation. One of the most important days of your life where you are ushered from school into the real world. Or into grad school to avoid the real world for another 2 years, as is my case. I wish I could say that it was one of the most important days of my life that I will never forget and all that emotional stuff. But really that's not me. Sure, it was really exciting and an incredible day that I will never forget but not because I walked across a stage. It was more important because it was the culmination of four wonderful years of friends, memories, and life. So we went to my favorite restaurant, Brick Street, for lunch since graduation was at night. Naturally its my family so there was a lot of ridiculousness at lunch including but not limited to my dad filming the barbershop quartet there that was singing and be overall embarrassing. Embarrassment aside, I got to have sweet potato cake (aka heaven in cake form) so my day was pretty much incredible after that. Since graduation was a few hours away and I was banned from napping (apparently four hour naps aren't always appropriate), my brother just sat and looked at espn.com while I packed. What a fun-filled afternoon. Since we wouldn't have time for actual dinner, my mom naturally packed a picnic. A full picnic. We're talking cheese and crackers, fruit, chicken nuggets, cookies, and of course champagne. Since my mom was worried about making trash she decided to bring disposable champagne glasses. Tiny little glasses whose bottoms kept falling off which she proceeded to carry across campus as we walked to take pictures. Nothing like watching your always rule-abiding momma carry champagne across your dry campus.

We took pictures. A lot of pictures. Mostly at my request because I feel the need to document my life constantly. Poor big brother had to take a ridiculous amount of photos until I was pleased with a Christmas card picture. Don't worry he's totally used to this.

So then of course we went to the actual graduation. Well they went to the stadium and I went to wait to line up and listen to a man who could not have been more monotonous. Dude, we're not listening and we're not going to listen just give it up. Its a Furman tradition for the graduates to walk down the mall from the auditorium to the stadium as they walk into graduation. Of course I was wearing heels so like any good Southern girl I walked most of the way barefoot, with lots of looks from parents lining the mall (believe they weren't my parents). So we walk into the stadium and of course all of my professors are at the front of the line of faculty. Do I remain composed and simply walk by? Of course not. I proceeded to yell "T.Cat!" very loudly at my advisor and then laugh the rest of the way down the line. Of course I was not composed- that would be so unlike me. I sat in my seat and waited listening to my friend Andrew give a hilarious graduation address and cried when Dr. Shi urged us to hold on, let go, and move on. It was rather moving but the emotions I felt were so indescribable- excitement, nervousness, pride, fear. Yeah a whole lot happened. I didn't exactly realize just how many more Bachelor of Arts degrees there were than Bachelor of Science- we looked like a small lot compared to them so I had to wait. A lot. Somehow event though it was May, it got very cold that night so by the time it was my turn to walk I was shivering. Really shivering. Ok so I wasn't shivering right when I walked across the stage- all that was going through my head was "Don't fall" and keep the daggum hat on my head. So it happened. I didn't fall. I walked across the stage. I shook Dr. Shi's hand and laughed when I passed my professors. I cheered and cried a little and threw my cap in the air (not very high though). And then just like that it was over. Four years were done and I was letting go of the Furman bubble. There were lots of hugs and squeals and cries of "I love you" but it was done, four year had passed and it was time to leave. As we walked out of the stadium I didn't really feel anything besides cold, thirst, and tired. It wasn't until I made it to the downtown celebration that I felt the importance of what had just happened and how this really would be the last time we were together. There were surprises of old friends, some tears with dear friends, and lots of laughter and a little dancing. In short it was the perfect way to end those four years and open up the door to the years ahead. Granted the next day I didn't really feel any more like an adult- probably because I was packing. A lot. Not really the ideal situation for someone who's OCD. So its all over. My years at Furman are done and now I'm an alum. I can't describe what the past four years have meant to me and the relationships I have been blessed with there. It has been the biggest things in my life, a catalyst for my personal and spiritual growth and the source of deep, abiding friendships. There were lots of laughs, some tears, crazy adventures, fountain hopping, and a hell of a lot of pictures. So here's to you Furman and all that you've brought us. Now its time to burst the bubble and enter the sort of real world.

A letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

Its been quite a while since I last saw you- 19 years today in fact even though I don’t remember a lot from back then. I do know I was a very loved little girl who loved princesses, playing with her annoying big brother, baking with her momma and of course her daddy. I remember flying down the stairs when you came home at night and the way you always came to my rescue. I remember missing you a lot when I was little and you weren’t there anymore and how much I clung even more to Momma and Jonathan. I remember crying myself to sleep because I wished you were there and you weren’t- I sat in bed and hugged my Pinky Bear wishing and praying you would come find me somehow. Slowly, then suddenly I grew up. Momma got married and I had another Dad. I went to school. I fought with Jonathan probably more than I should have. I laughed and playing and still liked princesses. I used to wish you were there all the time but then I grew up and things changed. I realized you were there- when I was happy, when I was mad, when I hated school and was stressed out, when something big happened in my life and I wished more than anything I could see you. Last week I graduated from college. I wish I could say how quickly it came but I can’t. I feel like I was just a little girl playing outside and suddenly I am a (sort of) adult. Even more, I wished you were there- sitting in the stadium, watching and cheering. I longed to see your pride, to hug you and tell you I loved you, to laugh and to cry. I wanted to take pictures with you like we used to and to hold you tight. But I couldn’t- even though I have wished on many a star that I could. Still, I know you were there, watching from above where you have watched over us for so long. I know you would be so proud. Not just of me but of Jonathan and what a great young man he is and the ways we have relied on each other to get through the most difficult times. Even after all this time we are still yours and we try so hard to make you proud and show you we love you, even from all the way down here. It was hard to have so many people I loved around me last weekend but to not have you- I felt as if a part of me was so closed but still so far removed from me. I always feel that way anytime something important happens in my life- no matter how big or small I always think of you. Still I know that even though you’re not beside me, you are there- watching as you always have for the past 19 years. So today remember how much we love you, how much we miss you, and how comforting it is to know you are always with us wherever we go.

Forever your girl,

Allison Sunbeam

Graduation Gown Woes

I graduated from college on Saturday. Naturally I knew I was going to want an obnoxious number of pictures from this event and wanted to look my best. Unfortunately graduation caps and gowns are exactly the picture of fashion. This is what I emailed to my mom after my horrific experience trying my gown on.

Just paid the $40 rental fee for my graudation attire. Once again Furman spares no expense. Oh wait we do get to keep the $1 tassel- they are so generous! So even though its the right length (for once) , it is, to my horror, completely unflatterly. Seriously how many pictures am I going to take on this most important occasion? A lot. So let me wear what is essentially a large black bag with lovely wing like arms? Oh you shouldnt have. My one question is....can I belt it? All outfits are pretty much made better by defining a waist- Im thinking a zebra print belt? Genius! (This plan was later vetoed by the powers that may be- apparently zebra isn't serious enough). And really the cap? I am roughly the size of a 12 year old and have a tiny head so if the cap is cutting off the circulation to my brain it is TOO SMALL. Really if I cant wear it, y'all need to re-evaluate you sizing. Also, hoods should not make one look like a rather somber platypus with a burst of purple for fun and should be far easier to put on. Apparently I am smart enough to graduate but not to put on the stuff I'm supposed to wear. Seriously.

Confessions of a Senior Beach Weekend...

Two posts in one week? Chill out folks, its only because I don't really have any homework to be doing right now. Confessions? Don't get your hopes up- this is me writing here so you know its nothing scandalous. Tomorrow is my last undergraduate Monday of class. Excuse me but when did four years fly by and where did they go? I was thinking about how quickly the past four years have happened, especially this last semester, over my last Furman Beach Weekend. Sure everyone around me was thinking about things other than this but as I was sitting on the beach last night with dear friends, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the fact that it truly was the end of my senior year of college. Nothing is quite like sitting on a beach at night and staring into the beautiful dark blue ocean to remind that life is so much more that college and beach weekend. College is that thing in the back of your mind that you always think, "Hey, I'll finish that and be an adult! Real world here I come!" In the words of many seniors, we are so not ready for this. How on earth am I the adult when my life's goal is still to be Ariel? The end of this year if forcing me to come face to face with the fact that a big event in my life is ending and soon we will go our separate ways. I cannot help but be overcome with emotion when I think about all of the incredible memories and friends I have made over four years and how I am not quite ready to let them go. Yes I know I have to but we don't always want to let go of what we love, even if we must.

So here's the confession part: I wasn't exactly ready to let go until this weekend. I had so much fun but I realized that at sometime we have to move on and grow up even when we don't want to. Talking to old friends this weekend made me realize that there is so much out there in the world beyond the Furman bubble, incredible things and places where I don't have to take care of everyone all the time. He reminded me that people like me even when I'm not being the mom and taking care of everyone (which I always forget) and that people grow up and don't need to be taken care of all the time. I am realizing that we have to let people be themselves, grow up a little and sometimes make mistakes. Thank goodness I had people around me who let me make mistakes and find out who I am. So even those this weekend was a blast and I got to make so many more memories with people I love, I know that I will be ready to move on and start my life after Furman. Granted I will probably cry while doing this because lets face it I always cry and leaving is always so hard but I know that I am ready to start a crazy new adventure of two years (and maybe some more) in Charleston. So senior year flew by and yes sometimes I wish I could go back and relive some of those incredible memories but I have plenty of pictures (ha!). More importantly, Charleston is flying towards me fast and sometimes you just have to fly the Furman coop. So here comes the world after Furman but we still have two more weeks to take in swimming in the fountains, the beautiful landscape, running trails and incredible friends. And I intend to.

To love like a Lab...

I havent written in a while, mostly because there has been so much going on right now. I'd forgotten how crazy the end of the year can be. Last weekend was particularly rough because my parents had to put down our sweet yellow Labrador, Rocket, very suddenly. My dogs are such a big part of my life so this was of course an incredibly emotional event. This is part of my journal from last weekend and is written just as I first wrote it. Sorry for the terrible rambling sentences but lets be honest, that's how I really talk. I hope this helps you love the way Rocket loved as it has helped me.

April 17th

Today I came home from Furman because we had to put down our sweet Rocket boy. My sweet big baby, my good ole dog, the dog with biggest feet and the softest ears. My boy I held on the way the day we got him when he fell asleep in my arms. My big sweet boy who would protect us no matter what even if he was scared on the vacuum cleaner. Words cannot express how it broke my heart not to hold him and be with him when he was sick and hurting- to know I couldn't comfort the dog who was always there for me- to greet me on a not so happy morning with his happy smiling face, to with me on a swing when I needed to get a way. He was all of ours, not because he was supposed to be a family dog but because he loved all of us so loyally, so purely, so unconditionally. It is so surreal to look out into our big back yard and not see my big yellow dog basking in the sun, laying in the fresh dirt he'd just dug up or playing (sort of) with Scarley. Rocket was for so long, my childhood. He was with for all of the middle school tears and teenage angst. All the drama and boyfriends and heartache. He was always there- even just a wag of his tail or a big goofy grin- the world was always ok. When you have your dog to remind you of the simple joys of life and to just love. I think we forget to love sometimes. We say it but we don't always do it. We lose sight of the joy and happiness of life, of the simple effervescent joy we should get from those we are blessed to be surrounded with. Whenever someone asks me if dogs go to heaven I always say yes because no one can quite represent God's unconditional, constant, and abiding love the way a dog can. Rocket loved us, no matter what- even if we were in a sour mood or quick tempered- he loved and he showed me how to love people in my life- constantly, unconditionally, an encouraging smile, a neck to hug, and an ear to listen. So sweet boy if you're up there in a world where you can have all the soccer balls and milk jugs and chew toys you could ever want, while you're basking in the sun up there- know that your sweet face will never be far from my ind. You grew up with me, let me be your friend, and let me cry on your when I needed it. But mostly you taught me to love and I will remember that. May God grant me the joy for life you had and the ability to try to love as only He can and to show the love to others you showed to us.

So in short, friends, remember to love and love like a lab- unconditionally and never-ending and with a joy for life so inspiring it moves others. Go and love fiercely, like my sweet big dog.